Eye, eye

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What  happened?   You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the  pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that  before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit  with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well,  OK, but what about that hook?   What happened to your hand?" The pirate  explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a  sword fight. My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook but I'm  fine, really." "What about  that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a  flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my  eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. You couldn't lose  an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the  hook."

Rough justice

Hello my few followers, I appreciate your comments, I'm having a busy week, started physio, started a new art club, went to cinema last night, and have a funeral to-morrow, otherwise I'm having a good week, well it's not my funeral. :-o.  Now that the pleasantries are over, here's another little joke, Translations are available on request.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,         ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says,     'What for?'

Glasgow cop says,        'Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop
sign.'

London Lawyer says,    'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says,        'Ye  still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says,   'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says,       'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says,   'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says,       'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the
lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon ???

Being a Glasgow lass, I liked this one.

Missed out [again]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour going on. 
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it. 

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 

only 5% are not." 

God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because 
he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going... 

Do you know what the e-mail said?  

 

 Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.. .. .. ..

Gentle thoughts

Nothing special but might raise a smile

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are  XL.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Love these Irish

Thanks for your visits and comment Terry and welcome again Michiko, now here's a funny.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
Bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another..

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
About!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
Feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

…………… ………….. ……………….

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master:     "Why do Scuba divers always
Fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:  "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
In the boat."  

 

Vet call

:Vet Call


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,' agreed to look after her neighbor's house and male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

Be careful what you wish for

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.  The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'   Without a second thought, he takes off after h er. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.  The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.   The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.  Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program  'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'  'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'   The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'  He lost 63 pounds that week.

Kiwi humour

Glad you enjoy the jokes folks, hope they don't offend, if they do, you were warned. 

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Cricket World Cup and was not feeling well,
  So he decided to see a doctor. 
  "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. 
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
  The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
    

Rewards of golf

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

 Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

 Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

 "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Should children witness childbirth

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what he had just witnessed. Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place..........spank his ass again!"

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Would you believe it

Bob won a ticket to the Super Bowl. Approaching the stadium, he was
 extremely 

excited. Once he got inside, he couldn't find his seat. Finally he asked an 

usher to help him find his seat. The usher guided him to the top row. Then the 

usher pointed and said seat 25. Bob settled in his seat, and noticed he was 

almost as far from the field as possible. He pulled out a pair of binoculars, 

and could still barely make out the numbers on the players. He then gazed around 

the audience. He suddenly stopped as he came to an open seat in the first row. 

Bob packed up, and headed to his destination. 

Upon arriving he saw an old man,
 sitting by himself. Bob then asked "is this 

seat open?" "Sure, sit down, no one is sitting there." Bob was excited "Who 

would be crazy enough not to use a seat like this?" "I am." said the man. "My 

wife and I have come to every Super Bowl since 1968." "Where is she now?" "She 

passed away." "I am so sorry to hear that. Wasn't there a really close friend,
 

or family member you could have invited to the game?" "Nope, they're all at the 

funeral."

Love story NOT

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were
both married to other people,  found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they  were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,..........   'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet  to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own *&%$("* blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Not for the faint hearted

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the  
following:

        'Emma come first.
        Den I come.
        Den two asses come together.
        I come once-a-more!
        Two asses, they come together again.
        I come again and pee twice.
        Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any  more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in
Public places about our sex  lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

' Mississippi .'

Politics

Official Announcement:

The British? government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

There's no answer to this.

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?" Shocked I answered "Yes" They said "We're afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality & she's good with the kids".

To make you smile

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!! I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield . 3.1415927 dead My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting. I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it! The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English. Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

A few jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

 Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
 So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.
 I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
 Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

 My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

 Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

 I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

 A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

 Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.