Tuesday, 25 February 2014

The Hypnotisit

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT," shouted Claude.

wait for it.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

The Bagpiper's tale

Trust us! You want to read this story...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

The real reason for Mad cow disease


now you can't wait to read it.

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programmes.
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:  I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said?  Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:  Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:  Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer:  I am getting to the point, Miss.  Just imagine, if I was playing with your t!ts twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?



Wednesday, 12 February 2014

The Bacon Tree

Couldn't resist this one

 The Bacon Tree
  Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
  They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
  "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
  With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
  There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"
  "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don' forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
  With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
  He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
  "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
  "Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?"
  "Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...

  Ees... A ham bush."

SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this.
Just couldn't help it!
 Little voices made me do it!
  And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you?
  I know you did!
  You're grinning aren't you?


THe little girl and the atheist

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.