Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The New Zoo Keeper

The New Zoo KeeperA bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites
Him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he
Disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp
House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them
Both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to
Himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is
To collect honey from the South
American Bees.. As soon as he starts he is
Attacked by the bees. He grabs
The spade and smashes the bees
To a pulp. By now he knows what to do
And shovels them into the lions cage
Because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at
The zoo. He wanders up to another
Lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant,
Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Beat that

Highlight the link and right click to open
Let the picture upload and then click on his nose, have fun

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

How to avoid a heart attack

For your information
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us..
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

so change your lingo

Friday, 12 August 2011

Skinny dipping

Subject: Skinny Dipping

Skinny Dipping
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Fairy stories?

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys?!!? We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from their story book.

Monday, 8 August 2011

The power of women


While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' It's The Box Office.' 

Quote of the day:
 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any cr*p, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

The Blessing

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for  Leroy. 
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next  Wednesday!"