Sunday, 30 December 2012

An experiment in profanity


      A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think we are old enough to start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
      The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with ass."
      The 4 year old is enthusiastic about the idea. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
      WHACK! He gets knocked out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs screaming, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step..
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
      She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
      "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.”

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

The Fallen

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Blonde joke


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

For the broad minded

Not implying anything, just passing on a cute joke.

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

Friday, 7 December 2012

Nile virus, beware

The 3rd "Nile" virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.  
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

Hmmm...... have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Biology Exam

> Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
> One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
> 1) It is perfect formula for the child.
> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
> 3) It is always the right temperature.
> 4) It is inexpensive.
> 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
> 6) It is always available as needed.
> And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
> He was awarded an A.