Sunday, 25 September 2011

Italian Border Patrol

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. 
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 peoples in a Quattro." 

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four, therefore four peoples" replies the Italian official. 

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the germans says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" 

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." 

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. 

I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" 

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.. He'sa talking to those 2
 a guys in the Fiat Uno"

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Rough justice

Hello my few followers, I appreciate your comments, I'm having a busy week, started physio, started a new art club, went to cinema last night, and have a funeral to-morrow, otherwise I'm having a good week, well it's not my funeral. :-o.  Now that the pleasantries are over, here's another little joke, Translations are available on request.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,         ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says,     'What for?'

Glasgow cop says,        'Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop

London Lawyer says,    'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says,        'Ye  still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says,   'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says,       'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says,   'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says,       'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the
lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon ???
Being a Glasgow lass, I liked this one.

Monday, 19 September 2011

A little bit rude

Thanks for the info on Packer Sunday, Terry, I'm a bit wiser than I was now.  :-)

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own  thoughts......
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin,  I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Sunday, 18 September 2011

For my Intelligent Friends

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out. My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer..
See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully.
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
This is so cool.....

No, it is not that they all have at least
 2 double letters....
Let me know if you found the answer - I didn't!
Answer is below!

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Puns for Educated Minds

Puns for Educated Minds 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Friday, 9 September 2011


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

God Loves Drunk People Too

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

Monday, 5 September 2011

Just a giggle on Old Age

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me'  'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:  
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'  the reporter asked.  She replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I decided to join an aerobics class for seniors. 
For a whole hour, I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired.  But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over .

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her minister she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered in Tesco. 
'Tesco?' the preacher exclaimed.  'Why Tesco?'
'So I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Here I am showing off my sunshine blog a ward, yee- ha, given to me from Beckie in Wonderland thank you so much. I don't usually get more than two comments on this blog so it's a complete surprise, now then I've got to pass it on to ten bloggers who I think come up to a good standard or are interesting. That's not going to be easy as I don't have lots of followers, but I cherish the ones I have they're my life line to sanity at times.
1. Penpusherpen
2. Terry's tete-a-tete
3  Catches the eye [Sheila and Wile-e]
4   Poppy's Place
5   Great Granny
6   Chancy the Gardener
7   Virginia through my Lens Chip Rocketman
8   Ramblings from an English Garden [Barbara]
9   Mumsysramblings
10  Beth Marie

Oh dear, I could have added more after all so forgive me if  I haven't added your blog and you feel slighted, But I have  tried to go on peeps who have commented most frequently, so please pick up your blog by copying and pasting the link below
<a href=";current=sunshine.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>     
 and maybe you can find ten others who you feel deserve one. I am so happy, Yes me, who was always moaning when I didn't get any hits, and called myself Billy-no-Mates.

My Dog


My Dog 
Went down this morning to the Benefits Office, to sign on my Dog. The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify..     
He gets his first cheque on Friday.     
Damn this is a great country! 

Friday, 2 September 2011

Warning to women

> You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
> My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.  It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to Mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.  Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
> My arse was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.  But my new arse was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
> Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to Me next?
> When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', Look again - was it lifted from you?
> THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere Every night.
> P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
> I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to Laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
> P.P.S.  Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do that????