This is good

My score was 51
http://www.ibogleif.dk/spil/flashspil/minigolf/minigolf.swf

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

The Haircut

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON  

a few chuckles for you all :-)))



1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 

18.. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.. 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore! 

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 226 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


chuckles....

First Christmas joke

  First Christmas Joke 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Colchester fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Ipswich reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The man from Romford started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

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The Guy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season

A baby at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a  65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was  discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to  visit.  'May  I see the new baby?' I asked  'Not  yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while  first.'   Thirty  minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'    'No, not yet,' She said.  After another few minutes had elapsed,  I  asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'   'No,  not yet,' replied my friend.  Growing very impatient, I  asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'   'WHEN HE CRIES!'  she told me.   'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have  to wait until he CRIES?'    'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT  HIM, O.K.?!!

Weather warning

Two feet of snow coming your way

The Irishman's tale [Adults only]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars,” she whispers. Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.  'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

Don't have this op.

I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the
news leaked out about it, so I thought I had
better tell everyone.
Dear Family and Friends,


Most of you know I went in for a surgical
procedure for a Butt Lift. I didn't have the
most pleasant experience. I should've left
well enough alone.
I wanted to show you how it turned out. I
hope this keeps YOU from having this done.
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get a
Butt Lift. You will most certainly regret it !!!

Be afraid, be very...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After a bit, when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?'"

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

And..........did he?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.  A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified.  "Help! He exclaims!"  The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs ...

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!" 

Just wondering..

You know the gobbledegook word we get that we have to put into the little box? well I wondered if it's a new language that we don't know of maybe the word is real rude in that language, like 'fatface' or 'p** off jerk' or maybe 'blog off' or maybe it's all the members passwords, I'll know the answer if I see mine and let you know,,,,,,Just wondering. That's all

Is there a difference?

Following on from my previous blog, and thank you for replies, but I'll carry on dieting for the now and buy a thicker jumper for the winter, LOL
Now this blog is about  State of Mind........ I wondered if there's a difference between Happiness and Contentment?
When I was younger and my girls were growing up, we didn't have much money,looking back , I was, I think Happy, but not Content, as we had a future and looked forward to when we had the new car, the bigger house, the new curtains,  washing machine etc. We were young and had come to England from Scotland for a new start, we felt the world was our oyster, work was plentiful and we had our health.
Now I am older,[much] my first husband dead and the other ... well let's not go there, why spoil a good blog.
I have pretty much what I need, the curtains , the car, washing machine etc, I could say I am content, but am I happy? I'm not so sure, my girls are now  married and their children making their own way, I haven't got anything to work towards, and let's face it, nearer the end of my life rather than the beginning, don't get me wrong I'm not having a moan here, but just wondering if there is a difference and which is the better state of mind. Any thoughts?

I bet my bum does look fat in everything

I stupidly went on the scales this morning and I have put on 6 pounds in the past two weeks and I bet most was after my Jersey holiday, so I AM ON A DIET big time.

I am hungry already

WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLL

Shopping

Went shopping yesterday to see if I could see anything I fancied for my little holiday., well, of course I did, I saw lots........you didn't really think a girl could go out shopping just before a holiday and NOT find anything to buy,

I saw some pretty costume jewellery and thought that it would be just the very match for a certain dress, then I saw some more, and again I thought, now that would just match that nice top I'm taking, and of course I had to have earrings to match. I'm beginning to feel better already, not that I wasn't  feeling OK before I started if you understand, Hmm, now that's a nice shop and they usually have some bargains. so I ventured in and came out with a pretty blouse, just the thing for a party, then..... I popped into the handbag shop, just looking of course, but there was a very practical purse that caught my eye, it's now mine, then  thought,  I could just use  a new bag, but not a 'proper ladies type bag' but one of these sling over the shoulder type cloth things, just the ticket for odds and ends, but  very necessary of course. My eye was caught by a pair of Ugg boots, real bargain and in my size, well whaddaya know? they're now in my wardrobe. Now that fleece in the shop next door is a much nicer colour than the one I already have, and they are just soooooo cosy, maybe another one wouldn't go amiss, just in case,.... in case of what you say? I dunno but one  in the wash and one round my knees, that's a good enough reason. what else? Tights? no, gloves? no, knickers? no,   nothing so practical, Well I think I've satisfied my urge to satisfy my fancy. and will trot off home, oh, just one more thing, into the bakery for a nice custard slice, or two, a girl has to keep up her strength for all that shopping now, hasn't she?

Adolescent humour

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

The truth hurts

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!  
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,  WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
  SUDDENLY,  I REMEMBERED A TALL,  HANDSOME,  DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO  
 COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,  WAY BACK THEN?
  
  UPON SEEING HIM,  HOWEVER,  I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. 
   THIS BALDING,  GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH,  I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 
  
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 
  
  'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED 
  
  HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK? 
  
 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
 
  HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 
  
THEN THAT UGLY, 
  
  OLD, 
  
  BALD, 
  
  WRINKLED, 
  
  FAT A*****, 
  
GREY HAIRED, 
  
  DECREPIT, 
  
  B****** ASKED.... 
 
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Too many emails

I am finding that my email box is filling up too fast with the number of emails I now get through subscribing to blogs and ticking for follow up, I still feel there must be an easier way to keep tabs on comments. You don't know who has made the comment till you open the email and it's sometimes nice to read any follow ups of any you've made. maybe I'm missing something or not following the instructions properly, anyone got any ideas. BTW I set up a page for follow up comments on another blog, but don't know if it will catch on.

This n that

I'm watching Downton Abbey out of the corner of my eye, and I just can't get into this saga, I don't think it's a patch on anything the BBC put on. the acting is a bit stilted, especially the Lady of the house, the American one.
I made a nice Chili Con Carne today I had it for supper with rice of course, what else? I also made some jelly with sponge in, I haven't made any custard or anything, I'll just eat it as it is. yummmmy.
Well that's my first post on this new blog, I'll have to change the background now as Halloween is almsot over.