Tuesday 28 June 2011

Mad Ethel


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished aroun d in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good
grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'

Saturday 18 June 2011

The Alien

 Two aliens landed in the  Arizona  desert near a gas  station 
that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas 
pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, 
 Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting..
 Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
 he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We
 come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader
 or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably 
don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon 
at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
 fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his
feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards 
away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,
 he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and 
looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over
 him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!'  exclaimed the young, fried alien.
 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy 
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
 intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
 loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Words of wisdom

First Hi Terry thanks for visits hope you enjoy this one,


 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
 
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss 
America
?
 
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman..
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target..

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Monday 13 June 2011

Missed out [again]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour going on. 
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
 
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 
only 5% are not." 

God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because
 
he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going...
 

Do you know what the e-mail said?  

 
 Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.. .. .. ..

Saturday 4 June 2011

Scarf in fashion

 
Tired of no one noticing you? 

Are you sick of being ignored? Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines
 
while others are picked?
 

Are you tired of being overlooked? 


Get a new scarf ! 

Try the latest scarf fashion and you too 
will be the centre of attention
 . . .






Smile

Thursday 2 June 2011

A point of view

I must admit I didn't 'get' the first one, but some of the others are quite funny.


    Every woman needs a laugh...ANOTHER one for the Girls





WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


Keep reading-they get better!!!


























WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'










UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.








CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she..
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)






WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'








WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'






CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time..
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.






 


   God may have created man before woman, but there is always a  rough draft before the masterpiece