Saturday, 30 April 2011

The Pastor's Ass



The Pastor's Ass 


The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.


The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey





that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.




The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.


He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . ... being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!


Have a wonderful day!



Saturday, 23 April 2011

Thursday, 21 April 2011

No flies on this guy.

First thank you ladies for visiting and your comments,  glad you enjoy the jokes.
I'm looking forward to Easter with a friend coming up for lunch to-morrow and going to daughter Arlene, for a family BBQ  on |Sunday, In hope you all have a nice Easter too.


The banking crisis simply explained:-


Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100 the farmer agreed to deliver 
the donkey the next day

next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
> news. The donkey has died.'
>
> Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
>
>
> The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
>
>
> Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
>
>
> The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
>
>
> Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
>
>
>
> The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
> Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
> anybody he's dead.'
>
>
>
> A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened
> with that dead donkey?'
>
>
>
> Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
>
>
> I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
> The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
>
>
> So I gave him his two pounds back.'
>
> Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland ..
>
>

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Ed Zachary disease


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
 



So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'


The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'


Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my goodness Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'


Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'
 
 

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Would you believe it




Bob won a ticket to the Super Bowl. Approaching the stadium, he was
 extremely 
excited. Once he got inside, he couldn't find his seat. Finally he asked an 
usher to help him find his seat. The usher guided him to the top row. Then the 
usher pointed and said seat 25. Bob settled in his seat, and noticed he was 
almost as far from the field as possible. He pulled out a pair of binoculars, 
and could still barely make out the numbers on the players. He then gazed around 
the audience. He suddenly stopped as he came to an open seat in the first row. 
Bob packed up, and headed to his destination. 
  
Upon arriving he saw an old man,
 sitting by himself. Bob then asked "is this 
seat open?" "Sure, sit down, no one is sitting there." Bob was excited "Who 
would be crazy enough not to use a seat like this?" "I am." said the man. "My 
wife and I have come to every Super Bowl since 1968." "Where is she now?" "She 
passed away." "I am so sorry to hear that. Wasn't there a really close friend,
 
or family member you could have invited to the game?" "Nope, they're all at the 
funeral."

Monday, 18 April 2011

Love story NOT

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were
both married to other people,  found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they  were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,..........   'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet  to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own *&%$("* blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Not for the faint hearted

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the 
 
following:

        'Emma come first.
        Den I come.
        Den two asses come together.
        I come once-a-more!
        Two asses, they come together again.
        I come again and pee twice.
        Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any  more,


'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in

Public places about our sex  lives!'


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

' Mississippi .'

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Don't mess with oldies

I must admit, this made me smile!!!

This  is so true!    They  always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and  you have to answer in front of others what's wrong   and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a  Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is  wrong with you in a room full of other patients.   


I know most of us have  experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled  it.

A 65-year-old man walked into  a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes  sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with  my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became  irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded  waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what  was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now  you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of  people. You should have said there is something wrong with  your ear or something and discussed the problem further  with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You  shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers,  if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out,  waited several minutes, and then  re-entered.

The  Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with  my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded  approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..  'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't p**s out of it,' he  replied.

The waiting room erupted in  laughter...

Mess with seniors and you're  going to lose!!

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Politics

Official Announcement:

The 
British? government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

The husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand
it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)






PLEASE NOTE
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street
The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

There's no answer to this.

 
 
 
 
 

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my
wife.
They said "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered "Yes"
They said "We're afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality & she's good with the
kids".

Thursday, 7 April 2011

A lesson in life

This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well..
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Description: cid:0BBEF5DA632D410DB0CB83CDFF9CA33C@donabc45d9acb9


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.


He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW .......Enough of that crap.The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

Description: cid:9D3F2B7BA33D4BED9E6DBEEDEDD5F634@donabc45d9acb9

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:


When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Would you marry again?

Would  You Marry Again? 


 
   



  
A  husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed  reading when the Wife looks over at  him and asks the question....

WIFE:  "What would  you do if I died? Would you get married a gain?"

HUSBAND:  "Definitely  not!"

WIFE:  "Why not?    Don't  you like being married?"

HUSBAND:  "Of  course  I do.."

WIFE:  "Then why wouldn't  you remarry? "

HUSBAND:  "Okay, okay,  I'd get married again."

WIFE:  "You would?"  (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:  (makes audible  groan)

WIFE:  "Would you  live in our house?"

HUSBAND:  "Sure, it's  a great house.."

WIFE:  "Would you  sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:  "Where else  would we sleep?"

WIFE:  "Would you  let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:  "Probably,  it is almost new."

WIFE:  "Would you  replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:  "That would  seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:  "Would you  give her my jewellry?"

HUSBAND:  "No, I'm sure  she'd want her own."

WIFE:  "Would you  take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:  "Yes, those  are always good times."

WIFE:  "Would she  use my clubs?

HUSBAND:  "No, she's  left-handed."

WIFE:  --  silence  --

HUSBAND:  "shit."

Monday, 4 April 2011

To make you smile

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!



I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.



A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'



My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.



Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
3.1415927 dead






My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
I bought her a scale.




Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....

I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.





I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'