Thursday, 18 April 2013

The Chemist

Best Clean Joke for years!

Getting Married 

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. 

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: 
"Are you the owner?" 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes." 

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" 

Pharmacist: "All kinds" 

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" 

Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

Jack: "How about suppositories?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes" 

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." 

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" 

Pharmacist: "We do..." 

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." 

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

One of the best Irish jokes.

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, 
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, 
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.  
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ;  & here I am in Dublin .  When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.  
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.   
All the other regulars in the bar notice!  & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, 
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." 
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, 
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!  

Tis me, .................. I've
Quit Drinking!"  

Monday, 1 April 2013

Just a build up

As I haven't posted for a while, I thought you deserve a treat,

A  Muslim is sitting next to Paddy on a plane when Paddy orders a whiskey.

The  stewardess asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink, too.

He replies in disgust: "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Spluttering on his whiskey, Paddy hands his drink back, saying: "Me too! I didn't know we had a  choice!!"


Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The  operator asks "How many people are flying with  you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"


Paddy  and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day  off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He  climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and  shouts


Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go  home!"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you  going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work  in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo-  --------- ---------

Two Irish couples  decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says  "I wonder how the girls are getting  on".

------------ --------- --------oOo-  ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new  wife to bed on their wedding night.
She  undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and  says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed  by the looks of it!"


Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S.   prison service for not servicing the electric chair..
He said that, in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!

--------- -------- oOo ---------  ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of a woman whose head was found washed up on a beach, is asked to identify her.
A detective holds up the head. Paddy says: "I  don't think that's her: she wasn't that tall."

--------- --------oOo- ---------  ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in  bed in the early hours and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with  this!" and storms off.
He comes back  upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks: "What  did you do?"
Paddy replies: "I've put the  dog in our garden. Let's see how they  like it!"

-----------oOo-  ---------

Paddy is shocked at  finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he says, "I didn't even  know they had mobile  phones!"


Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a  bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says  "What's his name?"
Mick replies: "Miles,  from London!"

An  Irish Family  Tradition
Paddy,  had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father,  grandfather and great-grandfather had all been  able to walk on water on their 18th  birthday.
On  that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first  legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th  birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy,  stepped out of the boat ...and nearly  drowned!
Mick  just barely managed to pull him to  safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went  to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he  asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I  walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father,  and his father before him?"

Granny looked  deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and  said, "Because your father, your grandfather and  your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were  born in August, ya eedjut!”