Friday, 24 August 2012

When's Old ?

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the
 doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Radio converstaion ['scuse the language]

 Fw: Radio Conversation

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off  England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.


BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Fxxx off

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Bare faced cheek

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Monday, 20 August 2012

Inner Peace

Inner Peace: This is so true
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every  day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!
Now you thought I was going to get all spiritual didn't you. LOL

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Sleeping with Mick

 The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot..

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn.  He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips..   Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

A new meaning to common words

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

A grape with sunburn.

Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Just to let you know

Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN? 
tal illnessMENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a..HISterectomy.. 
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them
Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing


Sunday, 12 August 2012

What did you say??

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. 
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 

( I just love this )

'For F
*$@ sake, Bert!
For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Friday, 10 August 2012

One liners to smile at.

From first to last,m they'll give you a smile

 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin...'

>                - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

>                <><>


>                I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No
good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

>                - Eleanor Roosevelt

>                <><>


>                Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement..

>                - Mark Twain

>                <><>


>                The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as

>                - George Burns

>                <><>


>                Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.

>                - Victor Borge

>                <><>


>                Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.

>                - Mark Twain

>                <><>


>                By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

>                - Socrates

>                <><>


>                I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a

>                - Groucho Marx

>                <><>


>                My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.

>                - Jimmy Durante

>                <><>


>                I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds

>                - Zsa Zsa Gabor

>                <><>


>                Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

>                - Alex Levine

>                <><>


>                My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.

>                - Rodney Dangerfield

>                <><>


>                Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.

>                - Spike Milligan

>                <><>


>                Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

>                - Joe Namath

>                <><>


>                I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.

>                - Bob Hope

>                <><>


>                I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..

>                - W. C.. Fields

>                <><>


>                We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.

>                - Will Rogers

>                <><>


>                Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.

>                - Winston Churchill

>                <><>


>                Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...

>                - Phyllis Diller

>                <><>


>                By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

>                - Billy Crystal

>                <><>


>                And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit
it out.

Reply to:

Monday, 6 August 2012

The difference between Guts and Balls

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know
the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late,
after a night out with the guys,
met by your wife with a broom,
and having the Guts to ask,
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer,
with lipstick on your collar, and
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

A few giggles


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************************************* ******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'