Thursday, 29 December 2011

No photos

Sorry folks, the granpa one was just a little girl praying, i hope the others turn out, they are OK when i post,

The Queen and Dolly Parton


The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!

Queen Elizabeth
Dolly Parton 

die on the same day and they both go before
an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
 The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts 
God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for

The Angel thanks Dolly,
 and asks Her Majesty
the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go
Dolly is outraged and asks,
 'What was that all about?  I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me
down.  She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush 

beats a Pair -

no matter how big they are.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

A prayer for Grandpa

Prayer for Grandpa

This is just too beautiful not to share.
Dear God, please send clothesFor all those poor ladies on 
Grandpa's' computer. Amen.

Friday, 23 December 2011

A little puzzle

Just a little puzzle to keep you occupied or to take your mind off Christmas stuff
and apparently if you can solve this you don't have to worry about Alzheimers

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

The Outhouse

I thought this was brill, sent to me by my good friend Nicky

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

Sunday, 4 December 2011


A single guy decided life would be more fun 
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.

So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?"

But again, 
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! 
Would you like to go
church  with
and learn about God?" 


This time, 
a little voice 
came out of the box, 

"I  heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Poor Paddy

Irish Sawmill AccidentPaddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.