Sunday, 30 December 2012

An experiment in profanity


      A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think we are old enough to start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
      The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with ass."
      The 4 year old is enthusiastic about the idea. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
      WHACK! He gets knocked out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs screaming, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step..
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
      She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
      "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.”

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

The Fallen

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Blonde joke


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

For the broad minded

Not implying anything, just passing on a cute joke.

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

Friday, 7 December 2012

Nile virus, beware

The 3rd "Nile" virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.  
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

Hmmm...... have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Biology Exam

> Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
> One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
> 1) It is perfect formula for the child.
> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
> 3) It is always the right temperature.
> 4) It is inexpensive.
> 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
> 6) It is always available as needed.
> And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
> He was awarded an A.

Friday, 30 November 2012

The phone call

Lady On Phone:

"Hi Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To u.
U Are The father Of 1 Of My Kids"

Man Is Stunned and says:
"Oh my God!"

R U Jessica?






Lady in confusion:

"Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Ur Son"

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Fifty shades of grey

The missus bought a Paperback
...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
.....I am the dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey. :

Sunday, 18 November 2012


You pick up a hitchhiker ...  A beautiful girl .
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital .

Now that's stressful .

But, at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father .
You say that you are not the father , but the girl says you are .
This is getting very stressful !

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father .


After the tests are completed , the doctor says the test shows you can't be the father since you're infertile , and probably have been since birth .
You're relieved but are stressed on hearing the news of your infertility .

On your way back , the message sinks in and you think about your 5 kids at home .

Have a nice day

Friday, 16 November 2012

A Blonde at the Pearly gates

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
(I expect you are doing the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse, you're now singing it to yourself ...

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

The Chemist's assistant

  A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him
her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

My little dog

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.   
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog 
could then hear fine. 
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should 
go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.    

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist 
told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." 

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."  
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

If you're Muslim please ignore.

A devout Muslim from the Gulf entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching from the Koran, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door.
The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so ***** off and wait for a camel!"

Friday, 9 November 2012

Who'd be a chemist

   Irish Sugar Test


One  day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes  out a small bottle and a teaspoon.  He pours some liquid onto the  teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.


"Could you taste this for me, please?"


The  chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around  and swallows it.


"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.


"Oh  that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my  urine tested for sugar."

Thursday, 8 November 2012

The Hypnotist

Subject: the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
it was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of t
he gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

The new baby

With all the new technology improving fertility, a 66 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first."

Thirty minutes passed; and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

" No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,

"May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it..."

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Dear Mum & Dad

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are  too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than  workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the  jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because  ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz  all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and  clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to  stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz  there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo  steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until  noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been  on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in  the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil  with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The  bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's  not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull  got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting  truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle  with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve  and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out  I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's  got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders  and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I  can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before  word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,


Monday, 29 October 2012

For broadminded folks

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with
that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is .... 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'

Sunday, 28 October 2012

To my intelligent friends

> I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out.
> My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you
> can figure out what these seven words all have in common!
> 1. Banana
> 2. Dresser
> 3. Grammar
> 4. Potato
> 5. Revive
> 6. Uneven
> 7. Assess
> Are you peeking or have you already given up?
> Give it another try....
> Look at each word carefully.
> You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so good...
> No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
> Answer is below!
> Answer:
> In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at
> the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be
> the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more
> people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Three Nuns, Hallelujah


Saturday, 29 September 2012

Who's in charge?

> Who's in Charge?      All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
> trying to decide who the one in charge was.
>     "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
> body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".  
> "I  should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate  oxygen
> all over so without me you'd all waste away."   "I should be in
> charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you
> energy."      "I  should be in charge," said the legs , "because I
> carry the  body wherever it needs to go."      "I  should be in
> charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the  body to see where it
> goes."     "I  should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
> responsible for waste removal."  
> All  the other body parts laughed at the rectum  and insulted him, so
> in a huff, he shut down tight.   Within  a few days, the brain had a
> terrible  headache, the stomach was bloated, the  legs got wobbly, the
> eyes got watery, and the  blood was toxic. They all  decided that the
> rectum should be the boss.   The  Moral of the story?  The as$hole is
> usually in charge  !!

Saturday, 15 September 2012

The last word

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A minute.' 
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' 

Friday, 14 September 2012

Old age

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren’t you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn’t say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .! 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

Wednesday, 12 September 2012


I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

Two old timers

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

Friday, 24 August 2012

When's Old ?

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the
 doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Radio converstaion ['scuse the language]

 Fw: Radio Conversation

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off  England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.


BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Fxxx off

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Bare faced cheek

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Monday, 20 August 2012

Inner Peace

Inner Peace: This is so true
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every  day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!
Now you thought I was going to get all spiritual didn't you. LOL

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Sleeping with Mick

 The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot..

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn.  He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips..   Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

A new meaning to common words

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

A grape with sunburn.

Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Just to let you know

Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN? 
tal illnessMENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a..HISterectomy.. 
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them
Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing


Sunday, 12 August 2012

What did you say??

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. 
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 

( I just love this )

'For F
*$@ sake, Bert!
For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Friday, 10 August 2012

One liners to smile at.

From first to last,m they'll give you a smile

 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin...'

>                - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

>                <><>


>                I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No
good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

>                - Eleanor Roosevelt

>                <><>


>                Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement..

>                - Mark Twain

>                <><>


>                The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as

>                - George Burns

>                <><>


>                Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.

>                - Victor Borge

>                <><>


>                Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.

>                - Mark Twain

>                <><>


>                By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

>                - Socrates

>                <><>


>                I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a

>                - Groucho Marx

>                <><>


>                My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.

>                - Jimmy Durante

>                <><>


>                I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds

>                - Zsa Zsa Gabor

>                <><>


>                Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

>                - Alex Levine

>                <><>


>                My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.

>                - Rodney Dangerfield

>                <><>


>                Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.

>                - Spike Milligan

>                <><>


>                Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

>                - Joe Namath

>                <><>


>                I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.

>                - Bob Hope

>                <><>


>                I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..

>                - W. C.. Fields

>                <><>


>                We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.

>                - Will Rogers

>                <><>


>                Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.

>                - Winston Churchill

>                <><>


>                Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...

>                - Phyllis Diller

>                <><>


>                By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

>                - Billy Crystal

>                <><>


>                And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit
it out.

Reply to:

Monday, 6 August 2012

The difference between Guts and Balls

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know
the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late,
after a night out with the guys,
met by your wife with a broom,
and having the Guts to ask,
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer,
with lipstick on your collar, and
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

A few giggles


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************************************* ******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'    

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Retired husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Asda:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Thursday, 19 July 2012

They threw out my cookies

Love this!!
Well, the Church removed my cookies from the bake sale..... Again!
I don't know what their problem is -- I just
Used a dog bone cookie cutter...
Cut them in half and decorated them!! I thought they looked rather cute!!
They have no sense of humor.