Sunday, 12 December 2010

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

The Haircut

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

a few chuckles for you all :-)))

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 

18.. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.. 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore! 

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 226 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


First Christmas joke

  First Christmas Joke 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Colchester fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Ipswich reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The man from Romford started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Guy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season

A baby at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a  65-year-old friend of mine
was able to give birth.. When she was  discharged from the hospital and went
home, I went to  visit.

'May  I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not  yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while
Thirty  minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'  

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I  asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 
 not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very
impatient, I  asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 

 she told me. 

demanded. 'Why do I have  to wait until he CRIES?' 


Sunday, 5 December 2010

Friday, 3 December 2010

The Irishman's tale [Adults only]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Don't have this op.

I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the
news leaked out about it, so I thought I had
better tell everyone.
Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know I went in for a surgical
procedure for a Butt Lift. I didn't have the
most pleasant experience. I should've left
well enough alone.
I wanted to show you how it turned out. I
hope this keeps YOU from having this done.
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get a
Butt Lift. You will most certainly regret it !!!