Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Another few old age jokes

Some more for you to enjoy, 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Monday, 28 November 2011



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


When the husband died, his wife put the death notice in the paper, adding that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'


Thursday, 24 November 2011

Why sharks circle round you before attacking,

 Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a
> sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
> and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few
> times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well
> done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins
> showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
> When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
> eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
> His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit 
> inside!"

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Just to let you know

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
”Remove cap and push up bottom.”   I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

If you have friends who make you laugh,
spend lots of time with them. 

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Grandma's wisdom

Thanks for your visits and comments, 

~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


Thursday, 10 November 2011

It's the law

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within
5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Think about it.

It took me a minute to suss it. duh!

A girl goes out on a blind date and the guy takes her to the State Fair.  They go on some rides he buys her a hot dog then asks her what she’d like to do next.  “I wanna get weighed.” she says, so he takes her to the arcade, puts her on the scale and it says 128 pounds.  They go to the fun house, play some games and he buys her some cotton candy.  “What do you want to do now?” he asks.  “I wanna get weighed.” she says, so he takes her back to the arcade, puts her on the scale and it still says 128 pounds.  This goes on for hours.  When the girl gets home her mother asks her how her blind date was and the girl says: “Wousy.  Weally wousy!”.

Monday, 7 November 2011

A little bit rude

    In  Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade  name and generic name.For example, the trade name  of Panadol  also has a generic name of Paracetamol.  Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen  is also called  Ibuprofen.

The  FDA has been looking for a generic name for  Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of  government experts, it recently announced that it  has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,  Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course,  Ibepokin.

Pfizer  Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be  available in liquid form, and will be marketed by  Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as  a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we  can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives  new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',  'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by  the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought  for the day: There is more money being spent on  breast implants and Viagra today than on  Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,  there should be a large elderly population with  perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no  recollection of what to do with  them.

If  you don't send this to five old friends right away  there will be five fewer people laughing in the  world

PS   NEWS EXTRA - Pfizer have just announced a brand  new product - Viagra Eye Drops - to make you look  hard!

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Just to test you

Giraffe Test  
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. 
 Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. 
This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.   Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
 proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old. 

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Dad's reply

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,

orange, and blue. 

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! 

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if

you might be my kid."