Thursday 29 December 2011

No photos

Sorry folks, the granpa one was just a little girl praying, i hope the others turn out, they are OK when i post,

The Queen and Dolly Parton


 

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 



Queen Elizabeth
   and 
Dolly Parton 

die on the same day and they both go before
an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to
Heaven. 
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
 The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts 
                               
God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for
eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,
 and asks Her Majesty
the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, 
drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go
in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks,
 'What was that all about?  I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me
down.  She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush 

beats a Pair -
 

no matter how big they are.

Wednesday 28 December 2011

A prayer for Grandpa

Prayer for Grandpa


This is just too beautiful not to share.
Description: cid:1.3775097683@web58501.mail.re3.yahoo.com
Dear God, please send clothesFor all those poor ladies on 
Grandpa's' computer. Amen.

Friday 23 December 2011

A little puzzle

Just a little puzzle to keep you occupied or to take your mind off Christmas stuff
and apparently if you can solve this you don't have to worry about Alzheimers
http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf

Tuesday 6 December 2011

The Outhouse

I thought this was brill, sent to me by my good friend Nicky



THE OUTHOUSE
part1.07040300.06020906@xtra.co.nz
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
part2.09020007.05000904@xtra.co.nz

Sunday 4 December 2011



 

 
A single guy decided life would be more fun 
if he had a pet.


So he went to the pet store
 
and told the owner
 
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
 
he finally bought a talking centipede,
 
(100-legged bug),
 
which came in a little white box
 
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
 
found a good spot for the box,
 
and decided he would start off
 
by taking his new pet
 
to church with him.



So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
 
to church with me today?
 
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
 
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
 
but he waited a few minutes
 
and then asked again,
 
"How about going
 
to church with me
 
and receive blessings?"



But again, 
there was no answer
 
from his new friend and pet.
 
So he waited
 
a few minutes more,
 
thinking about the situation.



The guy decided
 
to invite the centipede
 
one last time.



This time
 he
put his face up against
 
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! 
Would you like to go
 
to
church  with
me 
and learn about God?" 
.....

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......
 

This time, 
a little voice 
came out of the box, 

"I  heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

Saturday 3 December 2011

Poor Paddy


 
Irish Sawmill AccidentPaddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Tuesday 29 November 2011

Another few old age jokes

Some more for you to enjoy, 


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

                                                                        *****************************************                                                                                              

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
                                                                        *****************************************

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

                                                                        *************************************
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Monday 28 November 2011

Senility

SENILITY

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

                                                                        *******************************************

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

                                                                        *******************************************

When the husband died, his wife put the death notice in the paper, adding that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

                                                                        *****************************************

Thursday 24 November 2011

Why sharks circle round you before attacking,

 Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a
> sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
> and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few
> times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well
> done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins
> showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
> When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
> eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
> His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit 
> inside!"

Sunday 20 November 2011

Just to let you know

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
”Remove cap and push up bottom.”   I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you have friends who make you laugh,
spend lots of time with them. 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 TEE HEE…

Sunday 13 November 2011

Grandma's wisdom

Thanks for your visits and comments, 
ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW... 

~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


IF YOU SEND THIS ON, YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT, AND MAYBE A FUTURE GRANDPARENT, SMILE.


Thursday 10 November 2011

It's the law

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within
5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.