Friday, 25 February 2011

True story LOL

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sentRolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. 

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo
"Defrost the chicken." 

Monday, 21 February 2011

Old Age

The tale hangs low,  the wits are slow
Old age
The knees creak,  the joints are weak
Old age
The eyes are dim , the outlook’s grim
Old age
The hearing’s going,  the grey hairs showing
Old age
Some teeth are broken,  the cheeks are sunken
Old age
The appetite’s rabid , the thoughts are morbid
Old age
The future’s bleak, will I last the week?
Old age
The coat is dull , time for a cull?
Old age

Thursday, 17 February 2011

 The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
 it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.

The local paper read:



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
 rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the next day:


The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
 she sold it to a farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read:


This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:


The  Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Saturday, 5 February 2011


No offence meant to anyone, so please don't take any, it's just a joke.

Lost  In Translation ..............

I  will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this  joke. 


Today's word is..................  Fluctuations 

I was at my  bank today; there was a short line. 

There was  just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to  exchange yen for dollars. 

It  was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the  teller, "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla  fo yen.  Today I 
only get hunat  eighty? Why it change?" 

The teller  shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." 

The Asian  lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Easy, peasy chicken recipe

Easy Chicken Recipe
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn 
as a stuffing -- imagine that.  When I found this recipe, I thought it 
was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when  
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.  Give this a try. 
1 chicken 
1 cup melted butter 
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked  popcorn 
Salt/pepper to taste 
Preheat oven to 200 degrees. 
Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper. 
Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn. 
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.     
Listen for the popping sounds.  When the chicken's arse blows the  
oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the
table, it's done and ready to eat. 
And you thought I couldn't cook ....

My Living Will


 Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

The little b***rds.

Husband store

Husband Store 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street
The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Copied from arleneandtangos tales