Fluctuations

No offence meant to anyone, so please don't take any, it's just a joke.


Lost  In Translation ..............

I  will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this  joke. 

 

Today's word is..................  Fluctuations 

I was at my  bank today; there was a short line. 

There was  just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to  exchange yen for dollars. 
It  was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the  teller, "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla  fo yen.  Today I 
only get hunat  eighty? Why it change?" 

The teller  shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." 

The Asian  lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Easy, peasy chicken recipe

Easy Chicken Recipe Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn  as a stuffing -- imagine that.  When I found this recipe, I thought it  was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when   poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.  Give this a try.     1 chicken  1 cup melted butter  1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked  popcorn  Salt/pepper to taste         Preheat oven to 200 degrees.  Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper.  Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.  Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.      Listen for the popping sounds.  When the chicken's arse blows the   oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.     And you thought I couldn't cook ....

My Living Will

MY LIVING WILL  Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'  They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. The little b***rds.

Husband store

Husband Store 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand

it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Copied from arleneandtangos tales

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

 When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

 The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Poor Billy

Boisterous Billy was at school this morning in the Aussie Outback when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry blah blah blah. However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. There was a long silence and Billy eventually blurted out  "My Dad is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him and not come home to Mum that night." Instant silence in the class so the teacher took the opportunity to set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true."No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just tooembarrassed to say."

A few jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

 Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
 So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.
 I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
 Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

 My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

 Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

 I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

 A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

 Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.