Irish are the best

Irish  are the Best! 

 
    Six  retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's  apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a  single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead  at the table. Showing respect for their fallen  brother, the other five continue playing  standing up.
Michael  O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys,  someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it  be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher  picks the short one. They tell him to be  discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation  any worse

'Discreet??? I'm the most  discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion  is me middle name. Leave it to me.' 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house  and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and  asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares,  'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to  come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!',  says Murphy's wife..  'I'll  go tell him.' says Gallagher.  
   Into  a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like  he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is  in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut,  and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the  bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had  a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little  O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to  you, he must have had something in his hand.' 

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is  what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me  with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should  have defended yourself. Didn't you have  something in your hand?'

That I did,'  said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing  of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'  

An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink is  driving home from the city one night and, of  course, his car is weaving violently all over  the road.

A cop pulls him over 'So,'  says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya  been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of  course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says  the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few  to drink this evening.'

'I did all  right,' the drunk says with a smile. 

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing  straight, and folding his arms across his chest,  'that a few intersections back, your wife fell  out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,'  sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought  I'd gone deaf.'  
Mary  Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his  Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary  my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've  got terrible news. My husband passed away last  night'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary,  that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any  last requests?'

She says, 'That he did,  Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he  ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please  Mary, put down that damn gun....'   
 AND  THE BEST FOR LAST . . .    A  drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a  confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his  attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times  on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't  no use knockin, there's no paper on this side  either.   

 
  

   
    

Gentle thoughts

Nothing special but might raise a smile

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are  XL.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Duck shooting

An Aussie guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a 
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. .She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

Take that!

 A  Woman's Poem 

   He  didn't like the casserole 
   And he didn't  like my cake, 
   He said my biscuits were too hard 
    Not like his mother used to make. 
  I didn't perk the coffee right
 He didn't like the  stew,    
I didn't mend his  socks 
The way his mother used to  do.
I pondered for an  answer 
I was looking for a  clue.
Then I turned around  and
smacked  him one

>>>> 

Like his mother used to do. 
*****************************************  
>>>> I  love a good poem, don't you?!?!   

Love these Irish

Thanks for your visits and comment Terry and welcome again Michiko, now here's a funny.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
Bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another..

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
About!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
Feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

…………… ………….. ……………….

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master:     "Why do Scuba divers always
Fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:  "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
In the boat."  

 

: Drink Driving = Aussie Style

Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland .
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 

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'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

Something to look forward to? Not for prudes

Hi Terry, I expect you'll come calling, thanks for that, The others don't know what they're missing, eh?

Nursing Home Sex!

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.   She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Vet call

:Vet Call


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,' agreed to look after her neighbor's house and male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

Be careful what you wish for

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.  The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'   Without a second thought, he takes off after h er. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.  The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.   The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.  Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program  'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'  'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'   The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'  He lost 63 pounds that week.

Kids!

Don't you just love them?

Learning young

I thought maybe you was too hot Dad.

Playing big sisters.

Mother of the bride

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, .....I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''


(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN’T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and you are disconnected!

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings.....

We simply continue to fly ........... on a broomstick.....
We are flexible.....

Kiwi humour

Glad you enjoy the jokes folks, hope they don't offend, if they do, you were warned. 

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Cricket World Cup and was not feeling well,
  So he decided to see a doctor. 
  "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. 
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
  The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
    

Rewards of golf

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

 Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

 Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

 "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Should children witness childbirth

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what he had just witnessed. Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place..........spank his ass again!"

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