Monday, 30 May 2011

Irish are the best

Irish  are the Best! 

Six  retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's  apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a  single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead  at the table. Showing respect for their fallen  brother, the other five continue playing  standing up.
Michael  O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys,  someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it  be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher  picks the short one. They tell him to be  discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation  any worse

'Discreet??? I'm the most  discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion  is me middle name. Leave it to me.' 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house  and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and  asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares,  'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to  come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!',  says Murphy's wife.. 
 'I'll  go tell him.' says Gallagher.  
Into  a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like  he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is  in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut,  and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the  bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had  a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little  O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to  you, he must have had something in his hand.' 

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is  what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me  with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should  have defended yourself. Didn't you have  something in your hand?'

That I did,'  said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing  of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'  

An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink is  driving home from the city one night and, of  course, his car is weaving violently all over  the road.

A cop pulls him over 'So,'  says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya  been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of  course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says  the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few  to drink this evening.'

'I did all  right,' the drunk says with a smile. 

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing  straight, and folding his arms across his chest,  'that a few intersections back, your wife fell  out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,'  sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought  I'd gone deaf.' 
Mary  Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his  Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary  my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've  got terrible news. My husband passed away last  night'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary,  that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any  last requests?'

She says, 'That he did,  Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he  ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please  Mary, put down that damn gun....'  
AND  THE BEST FOR LAST . . .    A  drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a  confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his  attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times  on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't  no use knockin, there's no paper on this side  either.



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