Mad Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished aroun d in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good
grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'

The Alien

Two aliens landed in the  Arizona  desert near a gas  station  that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas  pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings,   Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting..  Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,  he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We  come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader  or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably  don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon  at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive  fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards  away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,  he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and  looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over  him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!'  exclaimed the young, fried alien.  'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy  friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my  intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can  loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Something to look forward to? Not for prudes

Hi Terry, I expect you'll come calling, thanks for that, The others don't know what they're missing, eh?

Nursing Home Sex!

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.   She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"