Pearls of wisdom [or something. ]

  CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Blame the weather.

Loud mouth.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

An explanation

Subject: Today's Explanation Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends." You see, when babies crap their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. However, when old people crap their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will. Glad to get that straightened out for you.

Apologies to you

Apologies to Terry Gr Granny and Sheila, In hadn't been getting 'buzzes' when you'd replied to my post, so didn't look I will visit you folks asap, I keep saying I'll blog more but I'm only human and I err, so if you are divine you'll forgive me. LOL thanks for comments

OOPs, got that wrong

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

It happened on Church !

SEAT IN CHURCH A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years. '

K9 capers

The Birthday girl.....a bit naughty,

I did warn you

The Cicken Gun

The true story of the Chicken Gun :

 

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! 

 

Scientists at  NASA  built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,  military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. 

 

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. 

 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.    

 

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. 

 

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

 

 

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

The Date

 

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge £20 for sex."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25...

Take heart you single ladies

I'm still hoping

The lesson

Don't worry if the pics don't show, they're of a dog and a parrot. cut and paste doesn't usually work on pics.

Wanda's dishwasher was broken, so she called a repairman.

 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

 

"I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog, Spike.  He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

 

               

 

 

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

 

 

                       

 

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen.

 

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work.

 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

 

Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

 

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

See?

 

Men just don't listen!

The Sensuous Wife

Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her 
husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her 
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky 
push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her 
husband?

"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively 
reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty 
pound note.



He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a little 
quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and 
excited).

"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.

How times have changed

Not a joke this time folks but amusing nevertheless.

Subject: EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?

---------------------------------------------------
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
   Pasta had not been invented.
   Curry was a surname.
   A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
   A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
   Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
   All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
   A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
   Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
   A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
   Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
   Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
   Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
   Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
   Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
   Only Heinz made beans.
   Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
   Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
   None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
   Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
   People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
   Indian restaurants were only found in India.
   Cooking outside was called camping.
   Seaweed was not a recognized food.
   "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
   Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
   Prunes were medicinal.
   Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
   Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
   Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
   The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

The Harley Biker
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C., when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant
and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on
the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news
these days...

The 999 call

An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England has been fired,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.  It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.  I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

 

 

  Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered
to be an appropriate response...

 

 

Old men can still think fast

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast!

The Chemist

Best Clean Joke for years!


Getting Married 



Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. 



Jack addresses the man behind the counter: 
"Are you the owner?" 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes." 

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" 

Pharmacist: "All kinds" 

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" 

Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

Jack: "How about suppositories?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes" 

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." 

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" 

Pharmacist: "We do..." 

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." 

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
  

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

One of the best Irish jokes.

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,    Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,  Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.     When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ;  & here I am in Dublin .  When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.   One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.    All the other regulars in the bar notice!  & fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round,  The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."  Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,  "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!   Tis me, .................. I've Quit Drinking!"

Just a build up

As I haven't posted for a while, I thought you deserve a treat,




A  Muslim is sitting next to Paddy on a plane when Paddy orders a whiskey.

The  stewardess asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink, too.

He replies in disgust: "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Spluttering on his whiskey, Paddy hands his drink back, saying: "Me too! I didn't know we had a  choice!!"



------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------


Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The  operator asks "How many people are flying with  you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

-----------

Paddy  and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day  off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He  climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and  shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT  BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go  home!"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you  going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work  in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo-  --------- ---------


Two Irish couples  decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says  "I wonder how the girls are getting  on".

------------ --------- --------oOo-  ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new  wife to bed on their wedding night.
She  undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and  says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed  by the looks of it!"

--------oOo---------

Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S.   prison service for not servicing the electric chair..
He said that, in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!


--------- -------- oOo ---------  ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of a woman whose head was found washed up on a beach, is asked to identify her.
A detective holds up the head. Paddy says: "I  don't think that's her: she wasn't that tall."

--------- --------oOo- ---------  ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in  bed in the early hours and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with  this!" and storms off.
He comes back  upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks: "What  did you do?"
Paddy replies: "I've put the  dog in our garden. Let's see how they  like it!"

-----------oOo-  ---------


Paddy is shocked at  finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he says, "I didn't even  know they had mobile  phones!"



------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------



Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a  bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says  "What's his name?"
Mick replies: "Miles,  from London!"
     









An  Irish Family  Tradition
       
Paddy,  had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father,  grandfather and great-grandfather had all been  able to walk on water on their 18th  birthday.
On  that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first  legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th  birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy,  stepped out of the boat ...and nearly  drowned!
Mick  just barely managed to pull him to  safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went  to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he  asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I  walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father,  and his father before him?"

Granny looked  deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and  said, "Because your father, your grandfather and  your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were  born in August, ya eedjut!”

Is it my time yet?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and  have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me
from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)



God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Who's sorry now

This man thought he had the best tattoo in the world ... till he went to prison.

sorted beth, that'll teach me to C&P instead of saving.

Just testing

Gotta love us seniors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON .
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :

Beware the Nile Virus.

                                        Third " Nile " virus is coming
The 3rd " Nile " virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.  Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950....
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)




IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm...... have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Religeous people might be offended so press the back button.

HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny.
"How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 .
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task –but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?
That's very commendable.
What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response,
"Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do, " his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained,
"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Ida and the frog

An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.










He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO .. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
Anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
Him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!





So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.





IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince









THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*
*


*



SHE TURNED INTO
The first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

Exercise for the over 50's

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.



With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.



Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.