Be afraid, be very...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After a bit, when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?'"

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

And..........did he?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.  A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified.  "Help! He exclaims!"  The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs ...

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!" 

Just wondering..

You know the gobbledegook word we get that we have to put into the little box? well I wondered if it's a new language that we don't know of maybe the word is real rude in that language, like 'fatface' or 'p** off jerk' or maybe 'blog off' or maybe it's all the members passwords, I'll know the answer if I see mine and let you know,,,,,,Just wondering. That's all

Is there a difference?

Following on from my previous blog, and thank you for replies, but I'll carry on dieting for the now and buy a thicker jumper for the winter, LOL
Now this blog is about  State of Mind........ I wondered if there's a difference between Happiness and Contentment?
When I was younger and my girls were growing up, we didn't have much money,looking back , I was, I think Happy, but not Content, as we had a future and looked forward to when we had the new car, the bigger house, the new curtains,  washing machine etc. We were young and had come to England from Scotland for a new start, we felt the world was our oyster, work was plentiful and we had our health.
Now I am older,[much] my first husband dead and the other ... well let's not go there, why spoil a good blog.
I have pretty much what I need, the curtains , the car, washing machine etc, I could say I am content, but am I happy? I'm not so sure, my girls are now  married and their children making their own way, I haven't got anything to work towards, and let's face it, nearer the end of my life rather than the beginning, don't get me wrong I'm not having a moan here, but just wondering if there is a difference and which is the better state of mind. Any thoughts?

I bet my bum does look fat in everything

I stupidly went on the scales this morning and I have put on 6 pounds in the past two weeks and I bet most was after my Jersey holiday, so I AM ON A DIET big time.

I am hungry already

WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLL

Shopping

Went shopping yesterday to see if I could see anything I fancied for my little holiday., well, of course I did, I saw lots........you didn't really think a girl could go out shopping just before a holiday and NOT find anything to buy,

I saw some pretty costume jewellery and thought that it would be just the very match for a certain dress, then I saw some more, and again I thought, now that would just match that nice top I'm taking, and of course I had to have earrings to match. I'm beginning to feel better already, not that I wasn't  feeling OK before I started if you understand, Hmm, now that's a nice shop and they usually have some bargains. so I ventured in and came out with a pretty blouse, just the thing for a party, then..... I popped into the handbag shop, just looking of course, but there was a very practical purse that caught my eye, it's now mine, then  thought,  I could just use  a new bag, but not a 'proper ladies type bag' but one of these sling over the shoulder type cloth things, just the ticket for odds and ends, but  very necessary of course. My eye was caught by a pair of Ugg boots, real bargain and in my size, well whaddaya know? they're now in my wardrobe. Now that fleece in the shop next door is a much nicer colour than the one I already have, and they are just soooooo cosy, maybe another one wouldn't go amiss, just in case,.... in case of what you say? I dunno but one  in the wash and one round my knees, that's a good enough reason. what else? Tights? no, gloves? no, knickers? no,   nothing so practical, Well I think I've satisfied my urge to satisfy my fancy. and will trot off home, oh, just one more thing, into the bakery for a nice custard slice, or two, a girl has to keep up her strength for all that shopping now, hasn't she?

Adolescent humour

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

The truth hurts

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!  
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,  WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
  SUDDENLY,  I REMEMBERED A TALL,  HANDSOME,  DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO  
 COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,  WAY BACK THEN?
  
  UPON SEEING HIM,  HOWEVER,  I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. 
   THIS BALDING,  GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH,  I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 
  
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 
  
  'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED 
  
  HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK? 
  
 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
 
  HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 
  
THEN THAT UGLY, 
  
  OLD, 
  
  BALD, 
  
  WRINKLED, 
  
  FAT A*****, 
  
GREY HAIRED, 
  
  DECREPIT, 
  
  B****** ASKED.... 
 
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Too many emails

I am finding that my email box is filling up too fast with the number of emails I now get through subscribing to blogs and ticking for follow up, I still feel there must be an easier way to keep tabs on comments. You don't know who has made the comment till you open the email and it's sometimes nice to read any follow ups of any you've made. maybe I'm missing something or not following the instructions properly, anyone got any ideas. BTW I set up a page for follow up comments on another blog, but don't know if it will catch on.