Love story NOT

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were
both married to other people,  found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they  were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,..........   'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet  to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own *&%$("* blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Not for the faint hearted

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the  
following:

        'Emma come first.
        Den I come.
        Den two asses come together.
        I come once-a-more!
        Two asses, they come together again.
        I come again and pee twice.
        Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any  more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in
Public places about our sex  lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

' Mississippi .'

Don't mess with oldies

I must admit, this made me smile!!!

This  is so true!    They  always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and  you have to answer in front of others what's wrong   and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a  Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is  wrong with you in a room full of other patients.   


I know most of us have  experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled  it.

A 65-year-old man walked into  a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes  sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with  my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became  irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded  waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what  was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now  you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of  people. You should have said there is something wrong with  your ear or something and discussed the problem further  with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You  shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers,  if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out,  waited several minutes, and then  re-entered.

The  Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with  my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded  approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..  'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't p**s out of it,' he  replied.

The waiting room erupted in  laughter...

Mess with seniors and you're  going to lose!!

Politics

Official Announcement:

The British? government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

The husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand

it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

There's no answer to this.

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?" Shocked I answered "Yes" They said "We're afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality & she's good with the kids".

A lesson in life

This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson! One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. NOW .......Enough of that crap.The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.