Retired husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Asda:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

They threw out my cookies

THE CHURCH THREW OUT MY COOKIES!!

Love this!!

Well, the Church removed my cookies from the bake sale..... Again! I don't know what their problem is -- I just Used a dog bone cookie cutter... Cut them in half and decorated them!! I thought they looked rather cute!! They have no sense of humor.

The Priest's collar

  

A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his 'Priest's Collar'.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Probably still digging.

>          An old man and woman were married for many years, even
though they hated each other.

>          Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard
deep into the night.

>          The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up
and out of the grave and come

>          back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

>          Neighbours feared him. They believed he practised magic
because of the many strange

>          occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

>          The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's
relief, he died of a heart  attack when he was 88.

>          His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

>          After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and
began to party as if there was no

>          tomorrow.

>          Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you
afraid that he may indeed be

>          able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the
rest of your life?"

>          The wife put down her drink and said,

>          "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he
won't ask for directions."

Be careful what you wish for

An old one but still makes you smile...


A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those  headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?" His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a Headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.." And it worked!
The headaches are gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful!"

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He goes back to the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time his wife quietly follows him, and there in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,










"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife..."


His funeral service is on Friday.

Puns to keep you amused and to make your brain work..

I haven't sent any jokes for a while, sorry, and I have lots, here's some little gems for you to digest for now.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The  other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.....