From first to last,m they'll give you a smile
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin...'
> - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
> <><>
>
> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No
good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
> - Eleanor Roosevelt
> <><>
>
> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement..
> - Mark Twain
> <><>
>
> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as
possible
> - George Burns
> <><>
>
> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.
> - Victor Borge
> <><>
>
> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.
> - Mark Twain
> <><>
>
> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
> - Socrates
> <><>
>
> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
> - Groucho Marx
> <><>
>
> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
> - Jimmy Durante
> <><>
>
> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
> - Zsa Zsa Gabor
> <><>
>
> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
> - Alex Levine
> <><>
>
> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
> - Rodney Dangerfield
> <><>
>
> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.
> - Spike Milligan
> <><>
>
> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
> - Joe Namath
> <><>
>
> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
> - Bob Hope
> <><>
>
> I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
> - W. C.. Fields
> <><>
>
> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
> - Will Rogers
> <><>
>
> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
> - Winston Churchill
> <><>
>
> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
> - Phyllis Diller
> <><>
>
> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
> - Billy Crystal
> <><>
>
> And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit
it out.
Reply to:
LOL!! These are good ones!!
ReplyDeleteThey are aren't they, I wish I could be as witty.
DeleteMost of these I never heard or don't recall. It would be hard to say which is my fave though.I especially like Billy Crystal's.
ReplyDeleteMine is ..............
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
> - Winston Churchill