Who's in charge?

>
> Who's in Charge?      All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
> trying to decide who the one in charge was.
>     "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
> body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".  
> "I  should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate  oxygen
> all over so without me you'd all waste away."   "I should be in
> charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you
> energy."      "I  should be in charge," said the legs , "because I
> carry the  body wherever it needs to go."      "I  should be in
> charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the  body to see where it
> goes."     "I  should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
> responsible for waste removal."  
> All  the other body parts laughed at the rectum  and insulted him, so
> in a huff, he shut down tight.   Within  a few days, the brain had a
> terrible  headache, the stomach was bloated, the  legs got wobbly, the
> eyes got watery, and the  blood was toxic. They all  decided that the
> rectum should be the boss.   The  Moral of the story?  The as$hole is
> usually in charge  !!

The last word

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A minute.' 
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' 

Old age

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren’t you?' 

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn’t say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
==================================

One more. . .! 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

Technology

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

Two old timers

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

When's Old ?

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN.. 
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

Radio converstaion ['scuse the language]

Subject: Fw: Radio Conversation

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off  England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

 

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

 

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

 

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

 

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

 

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Fxxx off