Dear Mum & Dad

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are  too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than  workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the  jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because  ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz  all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and  clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to  stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz  there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo  steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until  noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been  on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in  the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil  with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The  bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's  not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull  got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting  truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle  with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve  and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out  I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's  got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders  and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I  can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before  word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,

Sheila

For broadminded folks

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with
that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'


'Yes, it is .... 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'

To my intelligent friends

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:
> I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out.
> My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you
> can figure out what these seven words all have in common!
>
> 1. Banana
> 2. Dresser
> 3. Grammar
> 4. Potato
> 5. Revive
> 6. Uneven
> 7. Assess
>
> Are you peeking or have you already given up?
>
> Give it another try....
> Look at each word carefully.
>
> You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so good...
>
> No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
>
> Answer is below!
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> Answer:
> In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at
> the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be
> the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more
> people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Three Nuns, Hallelujah

 THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A MATCH AT KIEV,

 THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..    BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY  BLOCKING THE VIEW, 

 THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D  GET  ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA...  IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY  SAID,  "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY ... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."   THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,  "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA .. THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND .... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."     ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT  THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY  DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ..THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS  THERE!" 

It's a man's world [not]

Who's in charge?

>
> Who's in Charge?      All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
> trying to decide who the one in charge was.
>     "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
> body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".  
> "I  should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate  oxygen
> all over so without me you'd all waste away."   "I should be in
> charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you
> energy."      "I  should be in charge," said the legs , "because I
> carry the  body wherever it needs to go."      "I  should be in
> charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the  body to see where it
> goes."     "I  should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
> responsible for waste removal."  
> All  the other body parts laughed at the rectum  and insulted him, so
> in a huff, he shut down tight.   Within  a few days, the brain had a
> terrible  headache, the stomach was bloated, the  legs got wobbly, the
> eyes got watery, and the  blood was toxic. They all  decided that the
> rectum should be the boss.   The  Moral of the story?  The as$hole is
> usually in charge  !!

The last word

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A minute.' 
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'