For broadminded folks

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with
that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'


'Yes, it is .... 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'

To my intelligent friends

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:
> I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out.
> My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you
> can figure out what these seven words all have in common!
>
> 1. Banana
> 2. Dresser
> 3. Grammar
> 4. Potato
> 5. Revive
> 6. Uneven
> 7. Assess
>
> Are you peeking or have you already given up?
>
> Give it another try....
> Look at each word carefully.
>
> You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so good...
>
> No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
>
> Answer is below!
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> Answer:
> In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at
> the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be
> the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more
> people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Three Nuns, Hallelujah

 THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A MATCH AT KIEV,

 THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..    BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY  BLOCKING THE VIEW, 

 THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D  GET  ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA...  IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY  SAID,  "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY ... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."   THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,  "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA .. THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND .... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."     ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT  THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY  DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ..THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS  THERE!" 

It's a man's world [not]

Who's in charge?

>
> Who's in Charge?      All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
> trying to decide who the one in charge was.
>     "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
> body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".  
> "I  should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate  oxygen
> all over so without me you'd all waste away."   "I should be in
> charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you
> energy."      "I  should be in charge," said the legs , "because I
> carry the  body wherever it needs to go."      "I  should be in
> charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the  body to see where it
> goes."     "I  should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
> responsible for waste removal."  
> All  the other body parts laughed at the rectum  and insulted him, so
> in a huff, he shut down tight.   Within  a few days, the brain had a
> terrible  headache, the stomach was bloated, the  legs got wobbly, the
> eyes got watery, and the  blood was toxic. They all  decided that the
> rectum should be the boss.   The  Moral of the story?  The as$hole is
> usually in charge  !!

The last word

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A minute.' 
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' 

Old age

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren’t you?' 

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn’t say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
==================================

One more. . .! 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'