THIS 'n' THAT Just anything I think of,.... mostly jokes
Thursday, 16 August 2012
A new meaning to common words
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Just to let you know
Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN?
MENtal illnessMENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a..HISterectomy..
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them....
Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing
MENtal illnessMENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a..HISterectomy..
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them....
Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing
Sunday, 12 August 2012
What did you say??
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
( I just love this )
'For F*$@ sake, Bert!
For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Friday, 10 August 2012
One liners to smile at.
From first to last,m they'll give you a smile
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin...'
> - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
> <><>
>
> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No
good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
> - Eleanor Roosevelt
> <><>
>
> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement..
> - Mark Twain
> <><>
>
> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as
possible
> - George Burns
> <><>
>
> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.
> - Victor Borge
> <><>
>
> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.
> - Mark Twain
> <><>
>
> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
> - Socrates
> <><>
>
> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
> - Groucho Marx
> <><>
>
> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
> - Jimmy Durante
> <><>
>
> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
> - Zsa Zsa Gabor
> <><>
>
> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
> - Alex Levine
> <><>
>
> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
> - Rodney Dangerfield
> <><>
>
> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.
> - Spike Milligan
> <><>
>
> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
> - Joe Namath
> <><>
>
> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
> - Bob Hope
> <><>
>
> I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
> - W. C.. Fields
> <><>
>
> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
> - Will Rogers
> <><>
>
> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
> - Winston Churchill
> <><>
>
> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
> - Phyllis Diller
> <><>
>
> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
> - Billy Crystal
> <><>
>
> And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit
it out.
Reply to:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin...'
> - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
> <><>
>
> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No
good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
> - Eleanor Roosevelt
> <><>
>
> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement..
> - Mark Twain
> <><>
>
> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as
possible
> - George Burns
> <><>
>
> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.
> - Victor Borge
> <><>
>
> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.
> - Mark Twain
> <><>
>
> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
> - Socrates
> <><>
>
> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
> - Groucho Marx
> <><>
>
> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
> - Jimmy Durante
> <><>
>
> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
> - Zsa Zsa Gabor
> <><>
>
> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
> - Alex Levine
> <><>
>
> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
> - Rodney Dangerfield
> <><>
>
> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.
> - Spike Milligan
> <><>
>
> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
> - Joe Namath
> <><>
>
> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
> - Bob Hope
> <><>
>
> I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
> - W. C.. Fields
> <><>
>
> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
> - Will Rogers
> <><>
>
> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
> - Winston Churchill
> <><>
>
> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
> - Phyllis Diller
> <><>
>
> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
> - Billy Crystal
> <><>
>
> And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit
it out.
Reply to:
Monday, 6 August 2012
The difference between Guts and Balls
Distinction between Guts and Balls
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know
the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late,
after a night out with the guys,
being
met by your wife with a broom,
and having the Guts to ask,
Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer,
with lipstick on your collar, and
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
You're next, Chubby.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know
the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late,
after a night out with the guys,
being
met by your wife with a broom,
and having the Guts to ask,
Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer,
with lipstick on your collar, and
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
You're next, Chubby.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Thursday, 2 August 2012
A few giggles
-----
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
***********************************************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
************************************* ******************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
***********************************************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
************************************* ******************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)