For the broad minded

Not implying anything, just passing on a cute joke.

Onions and Christmas Trees


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

Nile virus, beware

The 3rd "Nile" virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.  
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm...... have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Biology Exam

>
> Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
>
> One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
>
> 1) It is perfect formula for the child.
> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
> 3) It is always the right temperature.
> 4) It is inexpensive.
> 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
> 6) It is always available as needed.
>
> And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
>
> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
>
> He was awarded an A.
>
>
>
>

The phone call

Lady On Phone:

"Hi Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To u.
U Are The father Of 1 Of My Kids"

Man Is Stunned and says:
"Oh my God!"

R U Jessica?
No

Pamela?
No

Anna?
No

Christina?
No

Joella?
No

Elissa?
No

Lady in confusion:

"Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Ur Son"

Fifty shades of grey

The missus bought a Paperback
...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
.....I am the dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey. :

Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker ...  A beautiful girl .
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital .

Now that's stressful .






But, at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father .
You say that you are not the father , but the girl says you are .
This is getting very stressful !





You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father .

 









After the tests are completed , the doctor says the test shows you can't be the father since you're infertile , and probably have been since birth .
You're relieved but are stressed on hearing the news of your infertility .





On your way back , the message sinks in and you think about your 5 kids at home .





Have a nice day

A Blonde at the Pearly gates

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'


'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
(I expect you are doing the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.




'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.





A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?''
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse, you're now singing it to yourself ...