Technology

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

Two old timers

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

When's Old ?

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN.. 
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

Radio converstaion ['scuse the language]

Subject: Fw: Radio Conversation

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off  England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

 

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

 

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

 

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

 

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

 

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Fxxx off

Bare faced cheek

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Inner Peace

Inner Peace: This is so true
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every  day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,




...Then You Are Probably








The Family Dog!

Now you thought I was going to get all spiritual didn't you. LOL

Sleeping with Mick

 The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot..

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn.  He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips..   Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.