Take heart you single ladies

I'm still hoping

The lesson

Don't worry if the pics don't show, they're of a dog and a parrot. cut and paste doesn't usually work on pics.

Wanda's dishwasher was broken, so she called a repairman.

 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

 

"I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog, Spike.  He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

 

               

 

 

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

 

 

                       

 

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen.

 

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work.

 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

 

Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

 

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

See?

 

Men just don't listen!

The Sensuous Wife

Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her 
husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her 
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky 
push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her 
husband?

"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively 
reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty 
pound note.



He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a little 
quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and 
excited).

"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.

How times have changed

Not a joke this time folks but amusing nevertheless.

Subject: EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?

---------------------------------------------------
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
   Pasta had not been invented.
   Curry was a surname.
   A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
   A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
   Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
   All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
   A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
   Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
   A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
   Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
   Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
   Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
   Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
   Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
   Only Heinz made beans.
   Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
   Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
   None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
   Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
   People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
   Indian restaurants were only found in India.
   Cooking outside was called camping.
   Seaweed was not a recognized food.
   "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
   Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
   Prunes were medicinal.
   Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
   Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
   Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
   The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

The Harley Biker
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C., when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant
and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on
the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news
these days...

The 999 call

An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England has been fired,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.  It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.  I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

 

 

  Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered
to be an appropriate response...

 

 

Old men can still think fast

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast!