Easy boy

Hi Terry, hope you enjoy this one and thanks for visiting 4paws blog, and Marge, is it Marge memyself? if so I can't locate your blog. but thanks for visiting too.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badlybehaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming forsweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,

"Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William,
just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the buggy, and Gramps
says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading hisgroceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly
kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William....The little b******'s name is Kevin."

Mick & Paddy

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. 
Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'. 
'What's dat?', says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

A moment of truth

TENDER MOMENTS 
  
  
  
 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for 
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer 



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 
You have been with me all through the bad times. 

When I got fired, you were there to support me. 

When my business failed, you were there. 

When I got shot, you were by my side. 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck..

How to tell the sex of a fly

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly .  A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked.. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Kill any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.  Intrigued, she asked.. "How can you tell them apart?"     He responded, "3 were on a beer can,  2 were on the phone.

 

COLIN THE ABORIGINE   A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and   invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the  only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and  flirting.. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and   everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead  goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.   How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, 'I just want the b****d who pushed me in.

Mad Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished aroun d in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good
grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'

The Alien

Two aliens landed in the  Arizona  desert near a gas  station  that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas  pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings,   Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting..  Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,  he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We  come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader  or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably  don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon  at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive  fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards  away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,  he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and  looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over  him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!'  exclaimed the young, fried alien.  'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy  friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my  intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can  loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'