How times have changed

Not a joke this time folks but amusing nevertheless.

Subject: EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?

---------------------------------------------------
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
   Pasta had not been invented.
   Curry was a surname.
   A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
   A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
   Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
   All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
   A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
   Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
   A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
   Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
   Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
   Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
   Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
   Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
   Only Heinz made beans.
   Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
   Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
   None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
   Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
   People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
   Indian restaurants were only found in India.
   Cooking outside was called camping.
   Seaweed was not a recognized food.
   "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
   Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
   Prunes were medicinal.
   Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
   Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
   Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
   The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

The Harley Biker
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C., when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant
and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on
the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news
these days...

The 999 call

An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England has been fired,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.  It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.  I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

 

 

  Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered
to be an appropriate response...

 

 

Old men can still think fast

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast!

The Chemist

Best Clean Joke for years!


Getting Married 



Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. 



Jack addresses the man behind the counter: 
"Are you the owner?" 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes." 

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" 

Pharmacist: "All kinds" 

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" 

Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

Jack: "How about suppositories?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes" 

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." 

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" 

Pharmacist: "We do..." 

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." 

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
  

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

One of the best Irish jokes.

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,    Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,  Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.     When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ;  & here I am in Dublin .  When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.   One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.    All the other regulars in the bar notice!  & fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round,  The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."  Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,  "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!   Tis me, .................. I've Quit Drinking!"

Just a build up

As I haven't posted for a while, I thought you deserve a treat,




A  Muslim is sitting next to Paddy on a plane when Paddy orders a whiskey.

The  stewardess asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink, too.

He replies in disgust: "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Spluttering on his whiskey, Paddy hands his drink back, saying: "Me too! I didn't know we had a  choice!!"



------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------


Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The  operator asks "How many people are flying with  you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

-----------

Paddy  and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day  off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He  climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and  shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT  BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go  home!"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you  going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work  in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo-  --------- ---------


Two Irish couples  decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says  "I wonder how the girls are getting  on".

------------ --------- --------oOo-  ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new  wife to bed on their wedding night.
She  undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and  says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed  by the looks of it!"

--------oOo---------

Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S.   prison service for not servicing the electric chair..
He said that, in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!


--------- -------- oOo ---------  ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of a woman whose head was found washed up on a beach, is asked to identify her.
A detective holds up the head. Paddy says: "I  don't think that's her: she wasn't that tall."

--------- --------oOo- ---------  ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in  bed in the early hours and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with  this!" and storms off.
He comes back  upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks: "What  did you do?"
Paddy replies: "I've put the  dog in our garden. Let's see how they  like it!"

-----------oOo-  ---------


Paddy is shocked at  finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he says, "I didn't even  know they had mobile  phones!"



------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------



Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a  bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says  "What's his name?"
Mick replies: "Miles,  from London!"
     









An  Irish Family  Tradition
       
Paddy,  had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father,  grandfather and great-grandfather had all been  able to walk on water on their 18th  birthday.
On  that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first  legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th  birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy,  stepped out of the boat ...and nearly  drowned!
Mick  just barely managed to pull him to  safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went  to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he  asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I  walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father,  and his father before him?"

Granny looked  deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and  said, "Because your father, your grandfather and  your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were  born in August, ya eedjut!”