The new Supermarket

 A while ago a new supermarket opened in 
 
SANDRINGHAM.  Melbourne, Australia
 
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. 

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. 


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. 


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. 


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. 
 
 
 
 I don't buy toilet paper there anymore. 

Vaseline [needs a sense of humour.]

     Vaseline


A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman
with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for the Vaseline. Have you ever used this product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken a back. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a the hinge on the gate. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty.

Since you've been so frank, can I ask you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "Yes, I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Well what did he expect LOL

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.'

God is good

Speechless

One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.   Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb.

Bad typo,

Yes folks all 2 of you or is it one LOL I'm still around, enjoy

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect….. I mean "Wi-Fi", not "wife".

The Hypnotisit

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.


After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.


"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.


"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"


The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.


The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.


A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.


They were all hypnotized.


And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!


The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.


"SHIT," shouted Claude.


wait for it.

















It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again.

The Bagpiper's tale

Trust us! You want to read this story...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.