The phone call

Lady On Phone:

"Hi Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To u.
U Are The father Of 1 Of My Kids"

Man Is Stunned and says:
"Oh my God!"

R U Jessica?
No

Pamela?
No

Anna?
No

Christina?
No

Joella?
No

Elissa?
No

Lady in confusion:

"Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Ur Son"

Fifty shades of grey

The missus bought a Paperback
...down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
.....I am the dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey. :

Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker ...  A beautiful girl .
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital .

Now that's stressful .






But, at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father .
You say that you are not the father , but the girl says you are .
This is getting very stressful !





You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father .

 









After the tests are completed , the doctor says the test shows you can't be the father since you're infertile , and probably have been since birth .
You're relieved but are stressed on hearing the news of your infertility .





On your way back , the message sinks in and you think about your 5 kids at home .





Have a nice day

A Blonde at the Pearly gates

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'


'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
(I expect you are doing the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.




'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.





A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?''
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse, you're now singing it to yourself ...

The Chemist's assistant

-
  A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.


The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him
her worries about selling the contraceptives.


"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be
used.


The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.


" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.


She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.






"Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

My little dog

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.   
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog 
could then hear fine. 
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should 
go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.    

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist 
told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." 

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."  
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

If you're Muslim please ignore.

A devout Muslim from the Gulf entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching from the Koran, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door.
The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so ***** off and wait for a camel!"

Who'd be a chemist

   Irish Sugar Test


 

One  day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes  out a small bottle and a teaspoon.  He pours some liquid onto the  teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

 

"Could you taste this for me, please?"


 

The  chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around  and swallows it.


 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.




"No, not at all," says the chemist.


 

"Oh  that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my  urine tested for sugar."

The Hypnotist

Subject: the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
it was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of t
he gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

The new baby

With all the new technology improving fertility, a 66 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first."

Thirty minutes passed; and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

" No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,

"May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it..."

Dear Mum & Dad

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are  too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than  workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the  jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because  ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz  all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and  clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to  stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz  there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo  steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until  noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been  on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in  the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil  with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The  bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's  not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull  got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting  truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle  with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve  and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out  I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's  got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders  and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I  can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before  word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,

Sheila